Over Thinking

Over thinking. It's a PROBLEM. Its a MAZE in our brain, and it sucks, Period!! Its something we all face no matter who we are. I could list the things we constantly beat ourselves up over but I would be here till I die. Fighting a mental battle about over thinking can actually provoke people to think more and it's not the way to win the battle. Mankind has mentally instilled so many different choices inside us by showing people through TV, radio, movies, books, clothing stores, gyms, jobs, magazines, restaurants, etc. who we "could be" or who we have the potential to be or SHOULD BE based on societies idea of "perfect." There is NO SUCH THING as PERFECT! What we decide to do to create who we want to be as opposed to being who we are has us in twists and turns instead of going in a slated direction to be where we are actually happy. We get derailed and start listening to outsiders and what "they" think we should do instead of really listening to what we should be listening to; our heart. We need to HEAR our heart and block out LISTENING to others. This is for YOU, not them. 

 

In the past few months, I've been in a mental battle about whether or not I want to step on stage & do a figure show. 2 of my good friends are WBFF Pro's and after seeing their venture to & off the stage, it put a spark in me that lit my up ass like a wildfire. Seeing how amazing they look on stage, how much fun it was and what they got out of the whole experience just reached out & slapped me in the face. I WANTED THAT! One of my friends is in this picture above. Her name is Jen Jewell (4th one in from the right) and here is when she did her first show & received her pro card. 

 To the right, is my best friend, Jenny Phantharath. She won her Pro card here and has been on stage for years. I have never seen so much hard work and dedication go into fighting for your goals than this girl. From a job that demanded 75% of her day with an hour commute to and from work, to losing her Dad and being the stable rock for her family, she beat everything working against her and reached one of her biggest goals in life. She is the reason I wanted so badly to do a show. Not for looks, but because through anything, she proved that you CAN do whatever you set your mind to. She is amazing and she too is my stable rock.

In 2011, my plan was 2 shows. a Jon Lindsay IFBB show in Los Angeles in August, and the Las Vegas Classic in September. I had to cancel both shows. My uncle became deathly sick with stomach and liver cancer & too soon after, lost the battle on September 11, 2011. I knew without a question in my mind, I needed to be with my family & prepping for a show is selfish. You can't go out & have fun, you're in bed early, up earlier than the sun, working out more than the norm, eating every 2-3 hours & following your entire plan to a T with absolutely NO falling off track allowed. IT IS VERY HARD. It's a lifestyle and although I had to cancel those shows, I continued to stay on my competition diet, but instead of continuing to lean out, I began to build lean mass. For me it meant less working out, more leniency to go out and have fun & no over thinking. It meant not being LIMITED. YaaY! 

And so it went. I built lean mass from August on through the end of December/beginning of January and as I know it takes a little longer than most to lean out, I went right back into my lean phase so I would be ready to get into my bikini and once again feel good about myself.

During the building phase, I had found out the WBFF would be coming to the states and would be in Sacramento in July. It triggered me to aim for that show since I wouldn't have to spend extra money going to Canada. I had a goal. At the time, in my head, this was a YES, I'm doing the show! I was excited and ready to rock it out. Then 2 weeks after, it hit me. Why do I want to do this? Is it because everyone keeps telling me I should? Is it because its my OWN hearts desire? What am I doing? Why am I leaning out again? WHAT IS GOING ON IN MY HEAD??? 

I was back to over thinking. I had lost track of why I wanted to lean out to being with. Initially, it was because of summer and the fun in the sun with my friends on the shore and in the boats! The summer bar-b-que's and chillin out just being present in each moment. It was because I never had a bikini body my entire life up until 2 years ago and now I could buy one feeling confident in putting it on and actually going out in public in it! I FORGOT that. I forgot, because I started over thinking. I blocked out my initial TRUE desire as to why I wanted to be lean again. Believe me if it was healthy and easy, I'd be lean year round. But it isn't. Far from it. I deplete calories every 1-1 1/2 months causing me to lose an extreme amount of energy and I am very restricted. My body type doesn't allow me to permanently lose the fat I lose when I lean out. So I feel comfortable building in the winter and leaning out just before the end of it. I come out of what I call my hibernation clothes. 

I finally stopped thinking about it just the other day and made a very public announcement on Facebook since everyone is there and could be addressed in bulk, that I am NOT doing a show. I chose this because I was tired of thinking about it, tired of thinking about whether or not I was going to go for it, trying to figure out if its what I TRULY desired in my heart, wondering what it would do for me as a person after I did it, wondering if I was just listening to the mass amounts of people telling me to do it and more. I'm OVER IT! I don't want this. Not right now. I want to do what I started out to do in the first place. BE HAPPY and just DO FOR ME. 

 When I go to sleep at night, I'm truly resting. I'm not stressing myself out & skyrocketing my cortisol levels every night & day over thinking this thing that was getting the best of me. I made my announcement, and the moment I did, I was RELIEVED. Its a breath of fresh air and the ability to be as free as the horse above. Just run with what makes me happy in life. In my opinion, wild animals have it best. They live life everyday not having to think about anything. They go on instinct and that is part of some things that mankind lack. Not everything as man should be based on instinct, but I believe if we applied it to our lives a little more, we would be less inclined to over think things and lose a lot of stress in areas of our lives. Don't make it complicated for yourself. Be honest with yourself, listen to and HEAR your heart and do for you what no one else can. You must first be happy with yourself before you can be happy with or for anyone else. Just let it go and be present.